It's 4am. I've been awake for a few hours now, the heat of my own body waking me. Night sweats, something I'm still getting accustomed to and I hear it only gets worse. My sunflowers are blooming in the backyard, and I picture them moon bathing, the full moon illuminating their young, small faces. They'll grow to become mammoth and I'm still in awe that I grew them from seed. This is my first time growing sunflowers outside of kindergarten lessons, and those ones never made it past two inches.
The nights here are perfectly cool right into a dark morning that paints the classic Los Angeles pastel sky just as I get back from my morning run. How I became a one mile morning runner is a result of my son's earnest request to run back in August. We’ve continued on because he wants to, and because I love spending time with him. His fitness journey is another thing to add to the list of how my child has helped me become a better human and a less selfish person, though it's easier when you have a walking, talking mirror around you constantly showing you your flaws. I'm proud of him and I let him know often. If there was ever a reason he came into my life it's simply to prove to me a love this grand, this deep, this ever-evolving and heartbreakingly unconditional love does exist. I'm so thankful that I've cultivated a secure attachment relationship with myself as he enters into teenage hood. I’d have a much harder time with this phase if I didn't.
It's already 5am so I'll need to try to sleep and get back to this later.
Ok, It’s later.
In one hour I’ll be getting ready to go to my hairstylist and trying not to worry about my son being home sick from school today. Secretly I’m happy he’s home because it means we get to binge watch Season 2 of Wednesday Addams. Life has been simultaneously chill and stressful, which I think is just what 2025 is about. It’s hard to read about what’s going on in the world and not just want to cry daily and while we’re trying to figure out what the next five years holds for us, it’s enough to just be in the moment. Listening to our cat grumble and sigh in his sleep. Noticing when the light has formed a rainbow that lands brightly on the towels hanging in the bathroom. Being in awe when the windows are open at night and the night-blooming jasmine’s scent overwhelmingly fills the air. Being in the moment is a skill. Time is invaluable. The fact that I can spend the majority of it with people I have undying love for is something many people dream of. Once upon a time I figured out how to have structure, some days I feel like I’m riding around in circles in a wide open pasture trying to figure out where the trail is.
It’s almost midnight.
I caught a glimpse of the full moon tonight as I ran to meet my family at the grocery store. My husband said he’d meet me in the fish aisle, but they met me out of breath, next to the papayas. I pictured the sunflowers moon bathing again and I think, perhaps I need a lesson from them. The sunflowers don't worry about what trail they’re on or even where it is. They simply turn toward the light. Maybe that's the only skill I need to practice this month: to stop looking for some grand, clear path, and instead just keep turning toward the light - the small, soft moments and have trust that at the right time, it will all be clear. Whether it's the cat grumbling in his sleep or small shadows cast against the wall, I hope you find time to notice. I hope you find a little light of your own.
Happy full moon my friend.
Take care,
Mai
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Mailyne K. Briggs
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